Incredibly Helpless...

Before I post this particular post, I wanted to clear up some ideas that my blog is only for daughters of mothers/fathers with lymphedema, because it's not. I chose my blog and email address name, because I'm the daughter of someone with Lymphedema. Just like the store 'Lymphedivas', their products are for those with Lymphedema who are still Divas. I'm the daughter of a person with Lymphedema. :D


Anyways, with that part cleared up.. I was wondering if anyone else felt the way I am right now.

Tonight is a rather good night for my mom. She's not in too terrible of pain, which is a great thing, but it's like.. when she is in pain, and I know she is. I get angry. Not at her, even though sometimes... or most times, it seems that I'm angry at her. 

I'm angry at myself, because I can't fix it. I can't stop her pain, and I can see it in her eyes that she's about to cry, and I don't know really how to handle it. I've never been good with handling tears. From children or due to a tragedy in the family or something, I can understand, but anything else, even for pain, I've had an issue with.

I've been able to handle my mom crying in pain, even though it makes me feel incredibly helpless. But other things, people crying because they just want attention or because of a sad movie or whatever, it makes me furious. No idea why, because I get teary eyed over movies sometimes. I sobbed like a baby with Benjamin Button and My Sister's Keeper. I was hysterical over those.

Anyways...

How am I supposed to deal with my mom's pain? I'd gladly take it or at least some of it, just to give her some kind of break, but I know I can't. I don't know how to release this feeling inside, without her feeling that I'm mad at her. I just get so angry because I get this helpless feeling, like I can't do anything for her, and no amount of MLD (Manual Lymph Drainage) massages I do will help her, no amount of time she's in the Reid Sleeves will help..

I know that's silly talk, because I've seen the difference that just two weeks.. -ten- days, have done thus far, but it's for the times she's at home and she's in pain, and she struggling to move.

I know that in time things will get better and she'll struggle less, but it breaks my heart to see her the way she is sometimes. I remember her as an independent woman, who did everything for herself, and rarely, if ever asked for help from anyone, to this person, who is dependent on everyone for everything.

I don't know.. I just want to know that I'm not alone in feeling the way I do. I want to know that I'm not a horrible person for feeling the way I do.

:(

xoxo